I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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