his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
