I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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