ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
