I think scott just propositioned me for sex
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
