Jerry, you need to find god
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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