My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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