I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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