So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize