Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
