I puked a lego.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
