The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
