Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
