Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's never too late to be topless.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize