Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
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she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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