Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
