Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
COCAINE IS GR8
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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