It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
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strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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