i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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