Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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