you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
