Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This toilet bowl is my home.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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