So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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