How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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