And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
