U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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