It's Friday. Sex?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
