Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
