my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
