It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
