my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
