why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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