I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
