I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
