never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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