coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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