At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
