I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
