everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
