note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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