im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
