1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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