So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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