So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
