his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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