I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
