So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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