Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
