Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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