It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
