he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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