So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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