I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
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First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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