o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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