My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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