Michael Bay diarrhea
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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