You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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