I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
