I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
