I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
