Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
